PAX Centurion - September / October 2014

www.bppa.org PAX CENTURION • September/Octoberr 2014 • Page 37 Si Se Puede! By P.O. Jay Moccia S ummer time and the globe has been entertained by theWorld Cup in Brazil. B-O-R-I-N-G!! Soccer is the only thing the Third World does better than the US – unless you count big families, suicide bombers, drugs and border jumping. The games were filled with drama-guys who were knocked down by mosquitoes or injured by dandelions, and writhed like they were electrocuted. There’s no reason to make a wall and cover the jewels, most of these guys don’t have any. The only thing manly occurred when a Dutch player got a cut on his head, and in true hockey fashion, got it stapled on the sideline and returned to the game. Talk about talent, most of it lays with the announcers, especially when a team of players with only consonants in their names played a team with only vowels in theirs – although they lost their cred when they whined about a game ending on Penalty Kicks. These are the same people who refer to overtime wins as “SuddenVictory.” The hype and commercials were more exciting than the games. Soccer is truly a sport made for ESPN, only the highlights are worth watching. H H H H H H H H H H H Russia has invaded the Ukraine. Putin fooled Obama with the move, by marching in backwards, and telling him they were leaving. H H H H H H H H H H H Only in the BPD: the new computer system allows you to go off on a Code 303 but not a Code 16. Who designed this thing, the same dopes that built the ObamacareWebsite?? H H H H H H H H H H H The very rich and the very poor have more in common than you’d think-they both have people working for them (Thanks LC). H H H H H H H H H H H When you work with your hands a lot, you develop calluses to protect them. I ride my bike so much I’ve developed a call-ass. Speaking of riding my bike, I’ve about had it with the helmet Nazis. I was riding MY bike along a DCR trail, when I met a rider coming in the opposite direction. I should have known he was a jerk because he was sporting the skin tight Tour De France starter kit. He began to furiously tap his forehead with is index finger. I shrugged and he yelled “helmet” – so I began to point at my forehead using a different finger, and yelled “take it easy Lance.” I would have challenged him further, but he looked too fit to fight. H H H H H H H H H H H Funny how you’ll encounter a big mouth at work and their intesti- nal fortitude increases exponentially the farther away from you they get. I refer to this as the “20Yard Tough Guy Phenomenon.” H H H H H H H H H H H I know we men are simple creatures, but a recent “Cosmo” cover blurted “where to touch to drive himWILD.” Really?? If you don’t already know that, you probably deserve to be alone… H H H H H H H H H H H If the NFL forces Washington to change its name, but allows Kan- sas City keep theirs, will they have too many Chiefs, no Redskins? H H H H H H H H H H H Have you ever woken up before your alarm clock goes off, then spend the time awake to make sure it does, and worried that it won’t? H H H H H H H H H H H I saw a guy in a hoodie on a ninety degree day. I asked him “aren’t you hot,” and he said, “No, it’s a lot warmer where I’m from”…And that’s the first time I ever met someone from Hell. H H H H H H H H H H H While patrolling a housing development in the South End recently, I had to tag several double-parked cars in the middle of the day. Many of the cars were newer models, and as I was issuing cites, several able bodied men ran out to move them. I guess they must all work nights. H H H H H H H H H H H Is there any chance we could get militarized BEFORE we get de-militarized? H H H H H H H H H H H We’ve all seen them, the junkies on the nod who contort their bod- ies into unusual positions, but NEVER fall. We should dress them all in colorful leotards, and call it “Cirque de Suboxone.” H H H H H H H H H H H A Federal Judge put long-time Michigan Rep. John Conyers back on the ballot, even after he failed to gather the requisite number of signatures. The Democrat who has been in Congress for almost 50 years couldn’t come up with 1,000 registered voters’ signatures to secure a spot in the primary. If you’ve been in Congress for half a century and don’t have enough names in your favorite rolodex to get a thousand signatures, you don’t deserve a vote, either that or you just don’t give a crap. I’m not sure what’s worse… H H H H H H H H H H H California Chrome tried to make it an even dozen Triple Crown winners, but came up short in the Belmont. Don’t feel bad for the thoroughbred though, he’s sure to enjoy his promotion to “stud.”With an average fee of $40k a shot, and about 150 (ahem) opportunities a year, CC’s sure to have a heck of a retirement. The top stud fee in horse racing however is $150k per “visit,” and is commanded by a horse named “Tap It” (can’t make this stuff up!), yet the Globe calls Police details lucrative. H H H H H H H H H H H When a police officer tells you that you cannot park in a spot, he’s not obligated to find you a different one. H H H H H H H H H H H I walked to a restaurant, and there was a sign on the door that said “No Strollers,” so I left. H H H H H H H H H H H The Boston Police Patrolman’s Conundrum: I must force myself to work sixteen hours, so the Department can’t force me to work sixteen hours. #yaordered! H H H H H H H H H H H Coming home late from work one night, I was channel-surfing and stopped on the “Dark Knight Rises.” It took me a minute to realize it was in Spanish – and Christian Bale sounded like the announcer for “Sabado Gigante.” H H H H H H H H H H H Doing traffic is like dealing with a three year old…”But WHY? ” Oh, and I for one am sick of these folks telling me not to yell at them. Yet they have the window rolled up, or are on a cell phone, or the GPS told me to, or using ear buds. Maybe I should just get an air horn, and after sounding it to get their attention speak to them with my inside voice… NOT!! H H H H H H H H H H H Big Government and Big Business both run on inefficiency and incompetence, but a business can fire you for it. H H H H H H H H H H H See Moccia on page 38