PAX Centurion - Winter 2016 - 2017

Page 6 • PAX CENTURION • Winter 2016-2017 617-989-BPPA (2772) The Night Before Christmas Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) wrote the famous poem “A visit from St. Nicholas” – AKA “The Night Before Christmas”. The editor apologizes in advance for any hurt or offended feelings which may emanate from this satirical mangling of Mr. Moore’s famous poem. Any resemblance to actual ACLU lawyers living in our local, elitist, liberal neighborhoods is wholly coincidental and unintended. T’was the night before Christmas, and throughout the old Hub, The patrol force had finished their Christmas-Eve grub. Their stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that a contract soon would be there. Across the country, the state, and locally too, This year had been tough for the thin line of blue. The murders of cops, the assaults on police, Made us question sincerely this “Season of Peace.” With attacks from our foes and the media’s screwing, We wondered aloud if this job was worth doing. One hand tied behind us and one covered our head, While hundreds looked forward to retirement’s bed. When what to our wondering eyes did appear, But Santa and sleigh pulled by mangy reindeer! His suit was disheveled, like he’d just fought through Gaza, But Santa explained he’d just left Schroeder Plaza. From his wrinkled red suit dangled a body-worn cam, And he shook his old fist that was big as a ham! “They put on this camera to try to catch Santa, Drinking anything stronger than Pepsi or Fanta.” “So these cameras they strapped all over my body, To stop from enjoying a hot whisky-toddy! When I visit the kids, I bring candy and toffee, But on a cold Christmas Eve…. Kahlua and coffee!” “Come along for the ride boys, in the back of the sleigh, I’ve learned that these cameras can work a new way. They invented these things to “catch” cops who wear blue, But I’ve learned to turn tables…… it works on them, too!” “On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To a liberal’s house whose wife’s a real Vixen! On, Dasher, On, Dancer, and On, Rudolph, too! This guy is a lawyer for the A-C-L-U!” No creature was stirring, not even a mouse, As we landed our sleigh on the rich liberal’s house. The quiet was broken by Rudolph’s left hoof, As he let go his bowels on top of the roof. And then we could hear it, a scream through the wall! A domestic disturbance – a 9-1-1 call! With her bottle of wine, she could scream like a witch, And she answered the door wearing hardly a stitch! “My husband’s a bum, and a cheater” she said, As a frying pan landed on top of his head. “He’s the liberal lawyer who thought cameras were swell, Till I caught him and his girlfriend at the No-tell Motel.” “Turn those cameras OFF,” he screamed with a curse, Quoting BPD policy, chapter and verse. “I don’t give my permission, to film in my house,” As he hid ‘neath the table, a terrified mouse. Said the wife: “Keep recording, ‘cuz you’ll need it at trial, If I get my hands on him, he’ll be dead in a while! He’s the King, I’m the Queen, and you cops, just a pawn… He demands it be OFF? I demand it be ON!” To film… or to not?…, t’was a body-cam riddle, And we came to realize: we were caught in the middle! We were damned if we don’t and damned if we do, But this policy was co-written… by the A-C-L-U! So the camera stayed on, at the demand of the wife, And we wished the young lawyer a wonderful life, When he threatened to sue us as he ran out the door, We shipped off a copy to news-channel four. Seems the body-cam’s great when it catches a cop, But when the lens is on THEM, the recording should STOP! The public wants action, the public loves fights – But when the mirror’s turned ‘round, it’s “Protect Civil Rights!” Santa climbed in his sleigh, tore the cam off his body, And he laughed as he threw down a hot whiskey-toddy, And we heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight, “Screw the ACLU, Merry Christmas, Good Night.” By Clement Clarke Carnell